Tuesday, December 9, 2008

“Chocolate” or as I like to call it “The world’s greatest retard fight evar11!!!!!”

There are only two films that make me scream with joy and ecstasy whenever I watch them for the first time. Those are sonny chiba’s street fighter films, and those are Prachya Pinkaew’s films. His latest offering to the world of martial arts fans is a film called “Chocolate” about an autistic girl who has somehow mastered the art of ass kicking from tony jaa and bruce lee. Which I think makes sense. I mean if you wanna teach autistic or mentally handicapped children something, why not let it be ass kicking? But the thing with this film is that it’s more than just ass kicking. It tugs at your heartstrings, and then tears them in half after Zen (main character) strikes some guy in the head with her knee. This movie is like a Lifetime film, if bruce lee had directed it. It’s got everything I want, emotion, and pure ass-kickery. And the actress who plays Zen is some kind of angel sent from heaven to bless us with her beauty and ass kicking. Like a thai Estuko Shiomi, just as bad ass and hot. You see, I have a theory, I think Tony Jaa is the second coming of our lord Chiba, and Yanin “Jeeja” is Etsuko Shiomi in a tiny frame. If I eve come upon a genie lamp and I have three wishes, one of them would be to go on a date with her. The other three is a mechanical arm and a talking motor cycle.
Now, remember that episode of south park where timmy and jimmy fight? Well this film has that but it’s more awesome and less demeaning. Near the end of the film, Zen faces an epileptic breakdancing martial artist who’s about her age and the fight. And the scene is I think the best on in the film. Cause it’s Zen facing someone of her skill, an equal challenges (whose ass she kicks pretty quickly, cause autism somehow gives you awesome powers of picking up on your enemy’s techniques).
In conclusion? Watch the fucking film you pussies, now if you’ll excvuse me, I’m gonna go stare at pictures of Jeeja.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Tokusatsu today, why it makes me sad :(

If someone pointed a gun at my head and asked
“who should you spare the cold embrace of death?”
And in front of me were Ultraman, Kamen Rider 1, Akaranger and Gavan all tied up and their (lower mouth plates?) mouths gagged.
I would tell the man (woman, robot, baltan, space Mafioso, whoever they were)
“Ok, you and I can agree that Kamen rider and sentai deserve to be put down. They just gotta stop, it’s like watching a dead chicken flail and walk around, then call it entertainment”
The mysterious man would go “sure, sure I mean it’s really sad, but you gotta pick”
Then I go “hey man cool your jets I know I gotta pick why you gotta be so pushy?”
“sorry, I just get like this sometimes”
then I’d be like “it’s cool man, uhm, why is gavan there, did you dig up his body from the tokusatsu graveyard or something? That’s like shooting a corpse man, he’s already dead”
Then he’d ask “ultraman?”
Then I start sobbing uncontrollably and slowly saying “oh God don’t kill him” in repetition, over my tears.
Now, bad comedy aside, I think tokusatsu has kind of petered out from it’s glory days in the eighties and nineties. When tokusatsu was a genre on it own and I think had reached total mind blowing awesomeness-icity-tastic-ularity. Where I watched robots punch heads that were also robots bu breathed fire, or where ramen noodle monsters garnered our sympathy cause they were deliciously friendly. Or where young men were sold by their fathers on their birthdays so they can become insectoid cyborgs to appease a giant heart. Where groups of young people fought evil robots or team of five people fought evil demonic empires with awesome martial arts Ki power. Now tokusatsu is a former shadow of itself, with only a couple of shows shinging in the shit mines that is modern toku. Today kamen rider and sentai are nothing but sad and ugly reflections of their former selves and no one else is making toku cause all the pretty boys act in J dramas. Now the good news is there is hope, kinda. There’s Ultraman, which will never die cause I mean who gets tired of seeing giant men fight giant lobsters, electric kangaroos or electric robots. I know I don’t and kids will always be awed by the fact that giant men made of light and the hopes and dreams of humanity can be their friends. And the formula’s not hard to fuck up. You got a squadron of dudes who shoot at aliens with planes and laser and then one of them is kind of like a bad ass but isn’t then he dies cause some mnonster killed him (or an ultraman, but it doesn’t matter end results are the same). Ultraman takes pity and voila, ultraman is now working for dudes who shoot lasers at monsters while keeping his identity secret. Simple right? Now matter what variation of ultraman it is, the formula’s the same. But the most awesome of them all I think is Moebius, which makes the little boy inside me cry and shout with joy. Moebius makes me feel like a little kid again and if I was suicidal, I’d have something to live for (I am not, fortunate for me, but unfortunate for my many enemies you know who you are!)
Now, there is another show which is being touted by Mike Dent, who I think should be like crowned king of toku fans cause of his knowledge of this shit, and the fact that I am jealous of his connections, called Tomica Rescue Force. Now I personally cannot watch it, I don’t know why it seems like something my five yr old self would just die for, but I guess it’s just too childish for me. It doesn’t really make me feel like anything, it just looks like a bunch of cool rescue scenes with bits of story in between. That means it’s not a bad show, but it’s just no ultraman. It doesn’t make me cry but man it does look awesome.
In conclusion, I think tokuatsu should kind of refresh itself, start simple, think “what would little kids like now?” not “what would make kida want their parent to buy five hundred versions of the same toy?” Bandai, if you’re reading this, stop make Machine robo rescue, those are some fugly designs yo, oh that and uhh, change kamen rider and sentai or something I don’t know.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Clint Eastwood in; "I'm an old man of sixty but I can still kick your fucking ass"

Ok, here's a confession. I'm gay for clint eastwood. Ever since i saw fistful of dollars I said to myself "god, that man is so fucking badass I'd be gay for him". I think it's that cold, long-mile stare than pierce the depths of a man's soul that does it for me. But I digress. Just watch this, and you'll know why.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Space adventure cobra “the psychogun” 2008 ova Or “better shit than most modern anime"

Ok, so the cool people who are into anime know of this show called Cobra right? It’s about some bad ass motherfucker with a laser gun for a right arm; it’s got hot women and violence. And it’s what I fucking want from anime. First of all, the women are legal, buxom and sexy like something right out of Heavy Metal or american comic books. They have junk in da trunk, badonkadonk and racks you can serve a dinner in. And cobra himself is a bad ass motherfucker. Now, I’ve only seen bits and pieces from youtube, but what I saw was fucking awesome. It’s better than the shit the people are fansubbing these days, and dare I say it, is more enjoyable than golgo 13. Now, don’t get me wrong, my boy Togo is cool, but he’s not exciting. He’s no Cobra, man! And you know what else is awesome? Modern animation techniques are perfect for a detail heavy show like Cobra. Gekiga style manga has always been harder to animate, but thanks to modern techniques, it all looks good in HD.
Now, I urge the cool subbers out there to sub the shit out of this show, and give it the exposure like it fucking deserves!
Here’s some videos:

Note: The second video is the real opening, the first one is a pastiche of the eighties opening and the new ova op scenes.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The reason I stopped caring about Macross F(uck)

It's called Bt'X a manly show about dudes who fight cyborgs and evil androids with robotic animals who run on blood. It's superior to macross f(uck) in every way and the main characters don't suck. It's the reason I love anime, that and older women who can kick ass.

what's more appealing?

Young man ready to kill some cyborgs?

Or this?

Thought so bitch, and DJD, you know what's better than Ikari Warriors?


Rambo can't brag he punched a robot in the face and lived to tell the tale.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Macross Frontier; why it’s balls.(and why I am sucking those balls as I write this).

It’s been called macross F, and you know what that “F” stands for?
This is what I was saying repeatedly in my head as I was watching this.
Do you know why?
Keep reading to find out more!
Ok, so I tried to rewatch the first episode of Macross F(uck) cause I thought “hey you know the mecha crowd seems to like it” (they also like geass and 00, which is also balls, maybe I don’t know). It’s actually not that bad of a show, it’s actually watchable, if they remove one thing.
I mean, she is a chick right, with her pretty long hair…oh wait, I’m being told, oh the fuck? She’s not a woman? She’s a dude? Oh my god, but he’s so pretty! Damn you Kawamori and your borderline faggotry! It seems kinda pointless to have him as the main character, cause he feels more like a gimmick rather than a character. To appeal to the female fan base, they have the main character as some flying pretty boy (emphasis on pretty). The part that gets me though is when his faggy ass friend calls him “princess” and he gets annoyed. I’m thinking “if you don’t want you ass buddy to call you that, don’t dress like a chick you fag, cut the dew and look like you hold some balls and a penis in your crotch”. I know they only do it twice, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this is some sort of awful running gag Kawamori or who ever directs this would pull cause they hate people like me. Now, I wanna like this, and it’s not super awful but it is just really really fruity. Like holy shit man when watching it I could smell mangoes, berries and oranges and strawberries form my laptop as I watched this. That’s how fruity it is. But you ask “well Senior fantastico del fuego, lord and saviour Charleston, what does keep you from watching?”
Ranka, fucking, Lee and Sheryl Norme (The Galactic Fairy slut)
I’m a pathetic loser, go kill me now please, as it seems I found a female anime character that is not (so far) just a gimmick to pull in creepy otaklue, but an honest to god fleshed out character I can actually like. She doesn’t sound like a five yr old girl and she’s not a cardboard cut out to project my masturbatory desires to (ngggfffhhhhh oh ranka lee you look like a ten yr old girl with your awesome loli body, let me wank nggfffffffhhh to you LOLZ). If I was a true loser and hated myself (which is evident since I’m pretty masochistic) I would say I am moe for Ranka Lee, but not in a creepy pedo way, but in a, as the people who stole this manly word put it, in a fashion to that of a friend. Here’s the reason why, she’s fleshed out and she’s quirky and a young dreamer, I can, surprisingly root for her. She also works in a Chinese restaurant and I fucking love Chinese food.
Sheryl, on the other hand seems kinda like an American pop idol, rather than the Japanese one. But she does seem strong and also fully fleshed out.
Now for the combat HOLY FUCK I was holy shit balls wanktacularly impressed, I mean dogfights combined with mech fighting, I fucking enjoyed it. I was satisfied and was happy. Also the Valkryies are kinda cool too, I guess. You know, not manly and gritty but hey, what the fuck.
My final verdict? Holy fuck?! I'm gonna watch episode two? Yeah, I enjoyed it, and I wanna see more of Sheryl and Ranka, I wanna see what happens to them because they interest me. The male characters are surprisingly boring but the female characters are highly developed and very very fleshed out (wink wink LOLZ, just kidding they really do interest me). Alto can still fuck off though, even though he pulled of a bad ass.

Yeah, I know, I’m fucking surprised too.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Ultramen, the modern Christ myth

They sacrifice themselves for the better being of the earth, throwing all their strength and love into a planet that isn’t even their own. Using their mighty powers to save us from monsters and maybe even ourselves. Men who, with their destructive strength use it with benevolent will.
I’ve been in an ultraman kick lately, since watching Ultraman moebius, and I’ve noticed something about these friendly red and silver skinned giant. They defend earth with all their strength, some even die just fighting one or two monsters (Taro and Zoffy*). All of them become human at one point and know what it is to be human. Now, looking from a purely logical or educational stand point, you can draw some small parallels between ultraman and Jesus. Now, I’m no bible loving fundamentalist, but I’m also not a god-hating atheist, I’m in the middle. But that’s not the point, I’m also not here to argue if Jesus existed or anything, I’m just drawing parallels and forming a conclusion.
One of the proof I have is the Ultra father or if you prefer Father of Ultra (god) sends down a solder of the space garrison (jesus). He becomes human, defends earth and if things become desperate, he’s willing to lose his life. Now I’ve heard from some sources that tsuburaya was a Christian (don’t quote me on this, ask August Ragone for this he’s the tsuburaya man) but maybe when Tsuburaya was making ultraman, the story of jesus may have been imprinted on him.
Or this could be seen as a modern Japanese interpretation of the Christ myth. I’ve personally always seen the story of Christ as something depressing and very dioscouraging to the point of thinking “god humanity is a dick”. But not in Ultraman, like Jesus, Ultraman performed “miracles” which was not seen as a threat by some but as a true blessing, and instead of being prosecuted, he is beloved, and even integrated into society. I like to think of it as a Christ story gone well, where instead of Jesus dying on the cross, everyone took his message to heart, and even those who wanted to destroy him are convinced by his utter kindness. There is also the fact that Ultraman are “men of light”. The planet they come from is a nebula of light, M78, which could be seen as heaven, and the ultramen are almost like angels. This act of interga;lactic sacrifice and kindness is also not limited to the earth but to various galaxies and planets. If you think about it, a primitive planet who is protetcted regularly by an ultraman may see him as a god.
I know you don’t end a sentence like this, but I’m lazy and so in the end, I think Ultraman’s deeper level is that it’s the story of benevolent beings who love us, and in this day and age, I think we need some ultramen on the way were headed. But their’s always hope if there is ultramen. Kind of like how some people think Jesus loves them, I like to think if monsters attack ultraman will come and be our friend.