There are only two films that make me scream with joy and ecstasy whenever I watch them for the first time. Those are sonny chiba’s street fighter films, and those are Prachya Pinkaew’s films. His latest offering to the world of martial arts fans is a film called “Chocolate” about an autistic girl who has somehow mastered the art of ass kicking from tony jaa and bruce lee. Which I think makes sense. I mean if you wanna teach autistic or mentally handicapped children something, why not let it be ass kicking? But the thing with this film is that it’s more than just ass kicking. It tugs at your heartstrings, and then tears them in half after Zen (main character) strikes some guy in the head with her knee. This movie is like a Lifetime film, if bruce lee had directed it. It’s got everything I want, emotion, and pure ass-kickery. And the actress who plays Zen is some kind of angel sent from heaven to bless us with her beauty and ass kicking. Like a thai Estuko Shiomi, just as bad ass and hot. You see, I have a theory, I think Tony Jaa is the second coming of our lord Chiba, and Yanin “Jeeja” is Etsuko Shiomi in a tiny frame. If I eve come upon a genie lamp and I have three wishes, one of them would be to go on a date with her. The other three is a mechanical arm and a talking motor cycle.
Now, remember that episode of south park where timmy and jimmy fight? Well this film has that but it’s more awesome and less demeaning. Near the end of the film, Zen faces an epileptic breakdancing martial artist who’s about her age and the fight. And the scene is I think the best on in the film. Cause it’s Zen facing someone of her skill, an equal challenges (whose ass she kicks pretty quickly, cause autism somehow gives you awesome powers of picking up on your enemy’s techniques).
In conclusion? Watch the fucking film you pussies, now if you’ll excvuse me, I’m gonna go stare at pictures of Jeeja.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tokusatsu today, why it makes me sad :(
If someone pointed a gun at my head and asked
“who should you spare the cold embrace of death?”
And in front of me were Ultraman, Kamen Rider 1, Akaranger and Gavan all tied up and their (lower mouth plates?) mouths gagged.
I would tell the man (woman, robot, baltan, space Mafioso, whoever they were)
“Ok, you and I can agree that Kamen rider and sentai deserve to be put down. They just gotta stop, it’s like watching a dead chicken flail and walk around, then call it entertainment”
The mysterious man would go “sure, sure I mean it’s really sad, but you gotta pick”
Then I go “hey man cool your jets I know I gotta pick why you gotta be so pushy?”
“sorry, I just get like this sometimes”
then I’d be like “it’s cool man, uhm, why is gavan there, did you dig up his body from the tokusatsu graveyard or something? That’s like shooting a corpse man, he’s already dead”
Then he’d ask “ultraman?”
“DON’T KILL ULTRAMAN, KILL ME! KILL ME! OH GOD ULTRAMAN PLEASE DON’T LET HIM DIE I’LL SO ANYTHING!”
Then I start sobbing uncontrollably and slowly saying “oh God don’t kill him” in repetition, over my tears.
Now, bad comedy aside, I think tokusatsu has kind of petered out from it’s glory days in the eighties and nineties. When tokusatsu was a genre on it own and I think had reached total mind blowing awesomeness-icity-tastic-ularity. Where I watched robots punch heads that were also robots bu breathed fire, or where ramen noodle monsters garnered our sympathy cause they were deliciously friendly. Or where young men were sold by their fathers on their birthdays so they can become insectoid cyborgs to appease a giant heart. Where groups of young people fought evil robots or team of five people fought evil demonic empires with awesome martial arts Ki power. Now tokusatsu is a former shadow of itself, with only a couple of shows shinging in the shit mines that is modern toku. Today kamen rider and sentai are nothing but sad and ugly reflections of their former selves and no one else is making toku cause all the pretty boys act in J dramas. Now the good news is there is hope, kinda. There’s Ultraman, which will never die cause I mean who gets tired of seeing giant men fight giant lobsters, electric kangaroos or electric robots. I know I don’t and kids will always be awed by the fact that giant men made of light and the hopes and dreams of humanity can be their friends. And the formula’s not hard to fuck up. You got a squadron of dudes who shoot at aliens with planes and laser and then one of them is kind of like a bad ass but isn’t then he dies cause some mnonster killed him (or an ultraman, but it doesn’t matter end results are the same). Ultraman takes pity and voila, ultraman is now working for dudes who shoot lasers at monsters while keeping his identity secret. Simple right? Now matter what variation of ultraman it is, the formula’s the same. But the most awesome of them all I think is Moebius, which makes the little boy inside me cry and shout with joy. Moebius makes me feel like a little kid again and if I was suicidal, I’d have something to live for (I am not, fortunate for me, but unfortunate for my many enemies you know who you are!)
Now, there is another show which is being touted by Mike Dent, who I think should be like crowned king of toku fans cause of his knowledge of this shit, and the fact that I am jealous of his connections, called Tomica Rescue Force. Now I personally cannot watch it, I don’t know why it seems like something my five yr old self would just die for, but I guess it’s just too childish for me. It doesn’t really make me feel like anything, it just looks like a bunch of cool rescue scenes with bits of story in between. That means it’s not a bad show, but it’s just no ultraman. It doesn’t make me cry but man it does look awesome.
In conclusion, I think tokuatsu should kind of refresh itself, start simple, think “what would little kids like now?” not “what would make kida want their parent to buy five hundred versions of the same toy?” Bandai, if you’re reading this, stop make Machine robo rescue, those are some fugly designs yo, oh that and uhh, change kamen rider and sentai or something I don’t know.
“who should you spare the cold embrace of death?”
And in front of me were Ultraman, Kamen Rider 1, Akaranger and Gavan all tied up and their (lower mouth plates?) mouths gagged.
I would tell the man (woman, robot, baltan, space Mafioso, whoever they were)
“Ok, you and I can agree that Kamen rider and sentai deserve to be put down. They just gotta stop, it’s like watching a dead chicken flail and walk around, then call it entertainment”
The mysterious man would go “sure, sure I mean it’s really sad, but you gotta pick”
Then I go “hey man cool your jets I know I gotta pick why you gotta be so pushy?”
“sorry, I just get like this sometimes”
then I’d be like “it’s cool man, uhm, why is gavan there, did you dig up his body from the tokusatsu graveyard or something? That’s like shooting a corpse man, he’s already dead”
Then he’d ask “ultraman?”
“DON’T KILL ULTRAMAN, KILL ME! KILL ME! OH GOD ULTRAMAN PLEASE DON’T LET HIM DIE I’LL SO ANYTHING!”
Then I start sobbing uncontrollably and slowly saying “oh God don’t kill him” in repetition, over my tears.
Now, bad comedy aside, I think tokusatsu has kind of petered out from it’s glory days in the eighties and nineties. When tokusatsu was a genre on it own and I think had reached total mind blowing awesomeness-icity-tastic-ularity. Where I watched robots punch heads that were also robots bu breathed fire, or where ramen noodle monsters garnered our sympathy cause they were deliciously friendly. Or where young men were sold by their fathers on their birthdays so they can become insectoid cyborgs to appease a giant heart. Where groups of young people fought evil robots or team of five people fought evil demonic empires with awesome martial arts Ki power. Now tokusatsu is a former shadow of itself, with only a couple of shows shinging in the shit mines that is modern toku. Today kamen rider and sentai are nothing but sad and ugly reflections of their former selves and no one else is making toku cause all the pretty boys act in J dramas. Now the good news is there is hope, kinda. There’s Ultraman, which will never die cause I mean who gets tired of seeing giant men fight giant lobsters, electric kangaroos or electric robots. I know I don’t and kids will always be awed by the fact that giant men made of light and the hopes and dreams of humanity can be their friends. And the formula’s not hard to fuck up. You got a squadron of dudes who shoot at aliens with planes and laser and then one of them is kind of like a bad ass but isn’t then he dies cause some mnonster killed him (or an ultraman, but it doesn’t matter end results are the same). Ultraman takes pity and voila, ultraman is now working for dudes who shoot lasers at monsters while keeping his identity secret. Simple right? Now matter what variation of ultraman it is, the formula’s the same. But the most awesome of them all I think is Moebius, which makes the little boy inside me cry and shout with joy. Moebius makes me feel like a little kid again and if I was suicidal, I’d have something to live for (I am not, fortunate for me, but unfortunate for my many enemies you know who you are!)
Now, there is another show which is being touted by Mike Dent, who I think should be like crowned king of toku fans cause of his knowledge of this shit, and the fact that I am jealous of his connections, called Tomica Rescue Force. Now I personally cannot watch it, I don’t know why it seems like something my five yr old self would just die for, but I guess it’s just too childish for me. It doesn’t really make me feel like anything, it just looks like a bunch of cool rescue scenes with bits of story in between. That means it’s not a bad show, but it’s just no ultraman. It doesn’t make me cry but man it does look awesome.
In conclusion, I think tokuatsu should kind of refresh itself, start simple, think “what would little kids like now?” not “what would make kida want their parent to buy five hundred versions of the same toy?” Bandai, if you’re reading this, stop make Machine robo rescue, those are some fugly designs yo, oh that and uhh, change kamen rider and sentai or something I don’t know.
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