Feeling Downwind

Coming home from tae kwon do today, I realized (or remembered) why I had stopped going. It was because I felt like I was going nowhere. I didn't feel like my training had gone anywhere (this is just a guess, the truth is lost to my memory). But I realized something, I'm an impatient person, always wanting an immediate result. the lesson for me here is to take it in slowly, and appreciate whatever's happening. I would say that this is due to my mother, who's always been a little more than bullheaded about getting results. I"ve also realized that this is how I see my life, going nowhere, but I shouldn't look at it that way. In truth it's just a long process for me that's not going to get any faster. Everyone has their path, some walk to the end faster, some don't and some never reach it at all. But sometimes it just feels pretty difficult, and especially on the days when I feel down, it doesn't help. Oh well, the sun shines again right? Let fate control you, or fight fate, it's all the same.

P.S

Zatoichi is my hero, since he's a guy that doesn't fight for honour, but a man just trying to survive with what he has, a real gruff, modern hero, the everyman.

Childhood and Adulthood: never grow up Ultraman

I found this bitchin' english version of the original Ultraseven theme song and it dawned on me that I never really grew up. I realized that I'm going to always be this little boy inside. A little boy who will always love explosions, actors in rubber suits, giant monsters, robots and anything that makes a man (child)'s heart burn with a never stopping fire. But I don't think people actually ever grow up, even those who are supposedly "mature". I think they just suppress those childish desires and say "giant monsters? sure he just blew up a building by punching it, but I don't care, I'm going to do taxes and listen to Kanye West, cause I'm hip".

Those people I pity, because they won't let their inner child talk. It's like this, have you ever seen a toy that you loved as a kid, but then you went "nah man I'm too old for this". Well, no one's really too old for happiness, no matter how trivial or childish. Now I'm not saying everyone should fulfill every childish desire they had as adults (I learnt this the hard way) but they shouldn't suppress them either. It's cool to buy something childish once in a while, but in moderation. But there are also those who enojy that stuff for "ironic" reasons and those people just make me shake y head. Sure you can laugh at this stuff (I mean who wouldn't laugh at a clumsily acting giant monster?)

But I do it because I love watching that stuff. I swear to god that I honestly love it, I love it so much that I would kill to be able to work in that industry. I also love this stuff because it fills me with this feeling of courage and power. Especially watching Ultraman, I'm filled with this desire for a utopian world where men can work together with fellow man, beings of light and other aliens to fight the evil in the universe. It provides a nice and innocent escape from a world so hellbent on making everyone conform to it's capitalist driven ways (hah, ironically these shows ARE driven by capitalism but end up taking on a life of their own). It's a much more beautiful and utalitarian reality when we can all team up and destroy giant creatures that threaten us without moral abiguity. Evil is evil and good is good. Personally, I would like to work towards a world that seeks peace instead of war. But I digress, my point is, never grow up, it's a sad thing when people say "I'm mature" cause when you call yourself mature and always have to act a certain way, that's childish. True maturity is learning how to keep a balance of childishness and responsibility.

Fuck, why?

Dealing with the same old wounds again, women huh? Why do they have to be so pretty. In the words of Aristophanes "living with women is hell, living without women is hell". So this girl I liked (the one with the boy friend "dream girl" as we shall call her) invites me to her birthday. I think "ok why not I'll go". But as the day comes closer, I start to regret saying yes and wanting to back out. Now I usually trust my gut, but my friend, you know being a friend and knowing I was going through some shit said "hey man sjut come, have fun eat good food". Food was shit, people sucked and had no fun. That and seeing the girl and her boyfriend eating together made me want to punch someone. Being the gentleman I am, I left mid way our of fury and obligation to my volunteering job (which didn't need me that day). In retrospect, it was a waste of time. I could have been looking over my paper or masturbating. Either way, I wish I didn't go.

Child prisons and shit

I'm volunteering at a school currently, and as I left for home (I wasn't really needed for that day due to an assembly). I walked out to the yard and saw a small asphalt square, no bigger than my living room being played in by children. A teacher inside the fenced off square then stopped two boys from pushing each other. And as I looked at the square I realized it looked like a prison. It was fenced off and kids were just standing there or playing with each other in a sort of mindless way. I looked to my other side and saw a larger square, but it still looked like a prison. Then i got thinking, schools aren't really schools, they're just really nice voluntary prisons we bring our children into. yes I know boundaries are important, and fencing them to a degree is a good idea, but sticking a small child into an empty asphalt square, and fenced off with someone watching them seems a little harsh to me. It doesn't look like recess but looks like penitentiary punishment to me. All I'm saying is small children should be watched yes, but give them something to do, don't just cage them up in that little area. On another note, I also looked at the older kids and I noticed one thing, it seems they reward you for getting older. The older kids have a larger play area and a play ground set. There's also trees and other things. and instead of getting a concrete fenced off area, they get a grassy prison with things to do inside them. Personally if I ran a school I'd make the outside more different with more trees (fenced off of course, to please the parents). All I'm saying is that children need to be given a measure of freedom during play and not a fenced off concrete prison.

Feelings and Inglorious Basterds

I'm not the happiest guy right now, due to the fact that I fail at love (see previous post) school and my parents. I know I said failure is just a step back and I shouldn't be lazy, but man it looks so good right now from where I'm standing, just giving up and becoming like my old man. Sure it looks good right now, but when I'm his age I'll be a failure like him. But I feel really pathetic guess all I have to do is just keep on going. Oh and Inglorious Basterds is the best fucking film Tarantino has fucking made. Fucking watch it.

My take on love

Being a man means you're gonna be attracted to a girl, and sure that's all peaches and cream, but try being attracted to a girl who's got a boyfriend. And to add salt to the wounds she's practially the perfect woman of your dreams. Oh and just to make things worse, you haven't enrolled in your courses and int a few weeks the school year's going to start. Does that sound like a bad romantic comedy? if it does, then I'm sorry because that's the way my life is going on right now. it's times like these that a man just has to to either back down, or keep trying. But no one ever said I can't walk in between, but the thing that pisses me off the most is that I'm attracted to this girl and that I've basically become her friend. It hurts to see her with someone else, and that I can't have her. but if I tried it would just ruin everything. I think it's because my track record with women really suck.; I've been truly attracted to four women so far, one was a stuck up bitch who i had to befriend a fucking fat ass for, one I never saw again, one lives in another province and then this one (she also happens to be my coworker). I wish I wasn't attracted to girls, I don't wanna be gay, I just don't want to feel anymore. Feeling things hurt, but I guess it's part of evolving and becoming a person, but why does it hurt?

Mysonginy and Misandry and social implications.

People used to say that there was a time when "men were men". This meant that men were tough, macho and weren't feminine. But i don't think that's true. I think men in all of time have always been under similar pressure as women. But this sort of social pressure is not as bad as it is for women. I think for women, they have it much more rougher as they have to be much more prepared and "made up" than men. For us men, it's not really make up, but how we look, what clothes we wear and how we smell. there is also the vital and important pressure of our place in society. As a young man growing up, there is one thing I learnt that every man has to achieve; that is his place in society. I, as a man, have to find where I belong and where I should be. But for women, I think the pressure lies on who they're going to be with in a few years. Personally, I think a man should help out a woman, protect her and share with her his place in society so that she doesn't have to experience all the trouble herself. But this doesn't mean that women can;t be independant. I think they should be, and they should also understand how men see the world.

I think that men and women, atleast in this generation are very similar, and that the divisions that were up a few years ago (being fashionable, being trendy, expressing emotion) have almost disappeared. Now today, if a man wanted to do an occupation that was formally seen as only for women, he too can now do it. It's also the same with women. They too can do work that was "only" for men. This breaking down of divisions I think has brought the sexes closer to each other.

Now what am I calling for exactly? an end to misandry/misoginy. I think these two views are primitive and, excuse my language, fuckin' retarded. Hating one another is not the sign of cultural advancement but social backwardness. The problem is not the amount of hate generated, but where the hate is directed. Just because one has bad experiences with women/men, it doesn't mean all women/men are bad. Personally. i've met some stupid fucking bitches in my life, but I don't hate women. I don't think there's a need for the sexes to be divided in two camps. We're all living in this crazy place, why can't we survive long enough to not kill each other?